And That's Why We Should Leave These Things Alone
by enigmagirl2727
Summary: SOMEONE has messed up the SpaceTime Continuum... again. Comedy and a MarySue epidemic ensue.
1. Why One Shouldn't Annoy Cosmic Entities

Ouch. This waking up in places other than my bed thing has got to stop. I open my eyes to see a floor that's distinctly not that of my bedroom. Raising my head a little farther I can see that the marble floor I'm lying on is part of balcony overlooking a gorgeous landscape. Closing my eyes again and sighing I think, 'The end of the waking up in alternate dimensions thing would be nice too.' Honestly, you piss off just one little cosmic entity and boom…

I'm guessing you'd like a little back story?

As little as a year ago I was your ordinary seventeen year old. Okay, so not perfectly ordinary. I have my little eccentrics (0). You don't really want to hear about how my life was okay but boring, etcetera and so on. Anyway ... I liked to take hiking trips with a couple of friends. One weekend we were trying out a trail we'd never done before, and… well it seems silly now. Don't laugh, but we fell into a classic magic portal, a la _The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe_. (1) No, like seriously. I still don't know what happened to Claire, Katyln, or Lyra, but I ended up in a place I've come to know as Enigma-verse. (2) And man was its ruler, Enigma herself, upset with me. Are you familiar with the Phoenix force? None of you? Shame, its very cool and hang on a sec I am too going somewhere with this. Guess I'm a little too much of an X-man fangirl. But it's a cosmic force that can be accessed by certain people. Enigma is like that. The current avatar is a real character, and if you were wondering she is exceptionally intolerant of trespassers. I wandered around a while there, (it's a place best described a Dali painting, pink deserts and bizarre structures and wildlife, all surreal and at the time very creepy) until she found me. Apparently I'd somehow messed up the portal system and it was going to take her a while to fix it, so she wasn't pleased. And now, I wake up in different dimensions sometimes, whenever she's feeling sadistic. Which is often.

Usually it's a place not too far different from my home-verse, I've gotten adept at finding portals and not being seen by locals. Or she'll 'take pity' on me by returning me home…usually to some undesirable time, like right after being asked a question in Biology class or before a dentist appointment. She's nice like that. Not. (Although if we didn't have this little history I'd actually probably like her, she's got a wicked sense of humor that I'd enjoy were I not on the receiving end.) It's an interesting way to live though. But we can recount my adventures during those incidents later.

So now I'm a little confused. This place looks nothing like Philly. I sit up to get a better view of my surroundings. This place is gorgeous. And frighteningly familiar. I'm wearing some sort of flowy gown thing that is most decidedly not mine. "M'Lady, are you alright?" That's not English…but I understand it. That in and of itself is scary as my only other language is a bit of high school Spanish which I suck at. This wasn't Spanish, it was too…pretty, melodic almost. I turn my head slowly, not sure what to expect. There were too women behind me wearing garments similar to my own, though considerably less rumpled. Their hair was pale blond and flowing; they regarded me warily from bright blue eyes. They were freaking _elves_. I think you'll be understanding if I tell you that my brain sort of froze up. Unable to draw a conclusion as to what the existence of elves and their apparent belief that I was some sort of 'Lady' meant, I got up and nodded. They exchanged a glance and walked off the balcony into the room it was attached to. I began to follow them when I noticed a mirror set by the door. I was about to pass it when I stopped and did a double take at the girl in the mirror. She did too, indicating even to my shell shocked senses that she was me. But…she was gorgeous, as I most assuredly am not. Long wavy black hair framed a beautiful face with dazzling green eyes, not the reflection that I'm used to seeing in mirrors obviously…. The pieces began to add up: Foreign language, nobility, gorgeous-ness. Imagine videotaping a jigsaw puzzle falling of a table. Now play the tape in reverse as the pieces fly back together. (3) That's what happened inside my head. This was Rivendell. These were elves. _This_ was the LOTR-verse. I am a freakin' Mary Sue. "Enigma! What the hell have you done?"

In the distance, an ethereal voice is laughing maniacally. Damn her. This is going to be really awkward.

…and therein ends the beginning of the soon-to-be-epic story of… Gabriella, whose name did not work its way into the story, as it was told in first person and all. I might mess around with POV later, idk. Not hooked yet? Sorry. Please check out the next chappie which will explain ever so much more, and thank you for reading!

A/N: Enigma is entity I came up with for one of my other stories, 'X-men Redefined'. Don't worry though; I'll explain everything you need to know about her soon. And btw, she's in no way based on me, (what with my user name and all), I just like the word.

Response to Reviewer-y type people:

_OGreatRandom_: Thanks for letting me bounce ideas off you! And btw…We ALL Have Our Little Problems! Ha-ha mine's published I win.

(0) See the character profile to follow, hopefully, in coming chapters.

And (2) Anyone want to read these stories? 'cause I'll post them if you're interested and ask me nicely.

This lovely bit of imagery is from 'How I Spent My Last Night on Earth' by Todd Strasser. I sort of cough borrowed it cough. Great book, by the way.

© to Enigmagirl2727 4/24/05 Please contact me at on the off chance that you want the rights to archive, or even if you just want to say hello.


	2. Enigma's POV: An Explanation Of Sorts

Enigma's POV:

And…. Freeze frame! I love doing this. Gabriella looks thoroughly bewildered as the world, which world she doesn't yet know, comes crashing to a stop around her. You probably don't think about just how much movement there is around you at any given point. Naturally those two elven women in front of her halt mid-step, but I can see from the confusion in her eyes that she can also tell that the slight breeze is gone, that she can tell that in fact the world here has temporarily stopped spinning on it's axis. Ah, it's good to be powerful. She doesn't know what this display is costing me and I won' let it show.

"Come out Iggy I know you're here!" Well duh Gaby I've been laughing at you for several minutes now. And don't call me Iggy. "I suppose you want an explanation, do you?" I sigh. "You do deserve one". And she does. With a mere thought I make myself visible to her and step onto the balcony she was laying on moments before, choosing one of my favorite forms: a lithe young blond woman with stunning green eyes. This will be difficult to clarify properly to her. This job has many fun little perks, but it also comes with a great deal of responsibility. Including the maintenance of dimension-spanning portals and Prevention Of Intervention By Outside Forces (POIVOF), which is even harder than it sounds. "Like hell I do! This isn't even my main fandom! What were you thinking?" Ooh, I do think our little earthling friend is angry with me. "Shut up. Do you want to hear about what you're supposed to do here or would you prefer I leave you to figure that out by yourself?" To emphasize my point I fade a little, then smirk as she flinches in realization of what her circumstances are. "There's my good girl. Come with me." I extend my hand to her and she takes it with more than a little trepidation. With a blink I transport us back to my home world, Enigma-verse. It's hard for me to remain corporeal in other worlds. I continue with my lecture. "I wasn't really angry with you all those months ago. I was testing you. Many, many of the things I do will be completely inexplicable to you, but they do have purposes." …even if the purpose is only amusing me when I get into ever so slightly sadistic moods. She doesn't believe me. It's not like she has any reason to. Those forty seven minutes in that Harry Potter slash-verse were perhaps a little too cruel. "No, like really. You have potential… which I'm now in sore need of. See, your home-verse has a unique linkage to the other universes. The dreams and literary works of your humans become mirrored in other planets realities So after a little observation I picked four likely candidates for a task I need completed. That would be you and your friends." I can see her thinking. Not that any of this seems plausible to her; I wouldn't want someone so easily removed of her convictions anyway (and the basis of your universe tends to be a fairly strong conviction), but she's analyzing it. "I've been jumping you around to see how well you tolerated it. Your friends…failed. I haven't the time now to tell you exactly what came to pass. Don't look at me in horror like that, I didn't mean for it to happen and I'm sorry about it. Point is, something is seriously out of whack with this universe and I'm responsible for fixing it." "How does this affect me though Enigma?" "Well, Gabriella, do you like Lord of the Rings? Do you? I know you do. If what is starting here continues, the books and subsequent movies will cease to exist in your world. And if it spreads, other things could start dropping off the map. A literary epidemic if you will." I've got her attention now. "What's the problem, who caused it, and what can I, as a mere baseline human, possibly do about it?" Right to the point, that's what I like about her. Though now she's being a little brusque. "I think that it's more like a glitch really. I just have to find out where along the line it is. It's a very complex thing, dimension traveling, and I don't have time to explain all of it to you now. An excessively simplified version is that when a traveler encounters a portal or portation device they are minimized down to particles slightly smaller than atoms, which slide through the cracks between the worlds. Occasionally the formula to put people back together gets scrabbled. The upshot is… the portals to this world are open to several verses that you would term 'normal'. People are streaming in. Bad people. All of whom are now perfect thanks to the messed up formula thing. So essentially we're being flooded with Mary Sues." "Er, that doesn't sound good." "It isn't. They'll try to mess up the Fellowship's journey. You have to stop them-" I cut off her question before she can ask it. "…and I can't do it myself, it's too difficult for me to leave of Enigma-verse for lengthy amounts of time, plus I've got to fight the problem from the other side…are you starting to understand what I need from you?" She was comprehending me for a minute, maybe she's figured this out on her own. She frowns and sits down on one of my lovely pink chair-like rocks. sigh apparently not. "Okaaaaay. YOU join the fellowship and prevent the evil intruders from screwing up the plot line while simultaneously screening out the harmless fools who fell through the portals and letting me know about aforementioned idiots so I can zap them home while I trace where the Sues are getting in and fix it." There, that was about as simple as it was getting. To my horror…she starts laughing. I hate when I have to use humans for these kinds of jobs. "You (laughter), you (more giggling), you want ME to (cackle cackle), _join The Fellowship_? 'Because you've got a _mission_ that you need _my_ help for? yet more snickering, then finally regains composure You got me this time, now let me go home." This blatant disbelief is probably bad…

A/N That was really fun to write. Enigma's a fun character. Though I was more than a little disheartened by the lack of reviews I fully intend to keep posting, if only because A. I enjoy it and B. _somebody_ is going to kill me if I don't. that'd be OGreatRandom, whom I actually know outside of fan-fiction. She rides my bus. And there are so many things she needs to be thanked for…does it suffice to say that she _introduced_ me to lotr, and that I would never have watched the movies if not for her? Or that so many of my plot devices were her ideas that it's not even funny? Though I continue to stress that this is MY work, even if some of it belongs to Angela, so no stealing thanks. If you review, I'll not only leave you a nice note in my next chappie, I'll review your stories! Promise! Until next time,

E

OGreatRandom: see above. Lol.

Miss Celtic Mafia: haha. You rock.


	3. And That's Why No One Likes Me

After a little frantic screaming…I'm not entirely sure that she's kidding anymore. Alright, so I'm fairly certain that she's serious. I was apparently being tested for my ability to 'shift' between dimensions, I passed, and now I've won-the-experience-of-a-life-time/received-a-'mission' (which I don't have any choice but to except, very un Mission Impossible-esque) So with a little further ado, Enigma's all set to send me back to Middle Earth. But it occurs to me that I can't do this as I am, even as a Mary Sue me. So I negotiate a little. Decent fighting skills to improve upon my Tae Kwon Do, since I don't think the 'art of kicking and punching' will do much against an Orc blade. She looks a little sullen about it, but I think she's secretly proud of me for having thought of it. A proverbial wave of her hand and suddenly I know how to use the two daggers she's magiced for me out of the air. I'd prefer to have earned the knowledge, but I feel much better having it now that attempting to develop skills mid-battle.

The daggers have sheathes built into the boots from a slightly more practical version of the 'fighting evil' costume that I've worn for the past five Halloweens. The black leather boots come up to my knees and are covered by these totally tricked out pants (lightweight and easy maneuverability plus rather flattering, with a couple fun weapons like ninja throwing stars and mini knives). I wanted my leather Matrix jacket but Enigma was rolling her eyes at me as it was, so I went with less conspicuous cape (even though, if all went as planned, I'd hopefully be given an Elven one at Lothlorien. How cool would that be?) over a simple tunic.

She revokes my Elvish speaking skills under the pretense of it having been just for fun, but through a little bargaining I get to keep a few words of it plus Common speech, which is apparently different from English. She didn't think my brain could handle _two_ languages being burnt in instantaneously. Thing is… I don't have a lot of bargaining chips when working with, well, someone who for all intents and purposes has the powers of a god. So now, I'm on call every time she needs an assistant from my dimension, or even if she's just bored…provided I survive. Which she isn't guaranteeing.

A little scary, yes…um, hey. I might not live through this.

What had seemed a moment ago a twisted-but-fun game come crashing into brutal reality as I feel the stones of Rivendell below my feet again. Apparently it's too difficult for Enigma to stop the entire Middle Earth verse for long, so I'm back following those Elvish maids, Linte and Minya (1), but she keeps talking in my head. Note the cool satchel I'm now wearing, which I hope contains the weapons I now know how to use, was completely unnoticed by Minya and Linte. I'll have to be able to distinguish the innocent 'Whoops I seem to have fallen through a magical portal' people from the 'Oopsies I've fallen through a magic portal _again_ let me see if I can take over the world and marry insert hot male character's name here' people, though there won't be too many of the first. But enough that I can't go indiscriminately killing anyone who's not from Middle Earth.

While I've been busy with those internal musings, the maids have brought me to Lord Elrond. They leave silently in that creepy way elves have while I curtsy. The room is beautiful, as one would expect Elvish architecture to be, and has a balcony looking out onto yet more of Rivendell's gorgeous waterfalls.

"Greetings, my Lord" I say in Western. He looks puzzled, but not half as confused as you'd think someone confronted with a girl who'd just appeared out of thin air would be.

"Ah, Lady Kiera, you've awakened. Saesa omentien lle (_Pleasure meeting you)_. Galadriel had informed me that you would be, ah, materializing soon." In response to my blank stare he explains "The Lady of the Golden Woods is at times able to pierce the veils between the worlds when it is absolutely necessary, though it is difficult for her. She was contacted by a Presence, known to you as, 'Enigma' and warned of a disturbance within the very fabric of our world, but the Presence also offered to send us a cure." Ohhh.

"Which is me?" He nods.

"Which is you."

"Okay, that's good. So it's alright with you if I join the fellowship and murder various fangirls whenever they attempt to sabotage the mission of the fellowship?" I confess to saying this a little sarcastically, but he takes me seriously.

"Yes. I take it you've already been briefed on how the war of the ring should go without this time-space continuum chaos?" Briefed? I would think that the amount of Middle Earth knowledge I'd accumulated would be more on par with an in depth analysis than a briefing, but…

"Er you could call it that. But…what do I do about various people's deaths? Will intervening cause more problems?"

"I do not know…" the Elvin lord shook his head, "you shall have to use your own judgment on these matters." Well that would be tricky.

"Who, or rather what, are these 'Presences'?" Elrond executed the Elvish version of a shrug, which was of course far more graceful than any shoulder movements I could have pulled off.

"We don't really know. They advise us sometimes. Regardless, we should be going. My council is starting soon. I can trust you to, ahem, not say anything?" Well where's the fun in that? Nonetheless, I was here to protect the Lord of the Rings story, not mangle it for my own purposes.

"Of course. Just let me introduce myself to the fellowsh-"hmm. The fellowship hadn't been decided on yet, so I probably shouldn't have said that "-whoever is chosen to complete the quest, later."

"Alright. Come along, but try not to be noticed. We have enough to discuss without my explaining your presence to the entire council."

Chasing after Lord Elrond in this ridiculously pretty dress is rather difficult and nearly requires my full attention, but I still manage to get a good look at Rivendell. It's stunning. And…here's the council. Damn is Peter Jackson good. It's almost exactly like the movie. And even... yes, there's a certain Hobbit gardener in that bush, and behind those pillars…

I think I'll go sit with the mischief makers. Merry and Pippin are startled, but I motion for them to keep silent with one finger over my lips. After exchanging a wary look they go back to watching the counsel, probably lulled by my Elven garb. They're adorable, must keep in mind that they're actually older than me. Eek. This is somewhere between amazingly cool and really weird, actually attending the counsel of Elrond, and subsequently actually being in Middle Earth. However my role here is not to interfere at all and certainly not with the counsel. I'm not a tenth walker, I'm a, um… ninth and a half? I'm actually just going to follow them I think. We'll find out soon enough, won't we?

"OPENING LINE!" Just then, as I was looking forward to the rest of the counsel and whether it would be the twenty minute movie version or the three day book version, who pops up next to me? Iggy of course.

"Don't call me that!"

I didn't call you that I just thought it and HEY! No fair reading minds! She smirked at me. Pippin and Merry were oblivious to her, she's probably just an astral projection or something.

"Look Kiera, I know how much you want to see the Counsel, but, well, how are you feeling?"

That was an odd question to ask at a time like this, wasn't it?  
"You've just had an entirely new language burned into your mind. Hurts, doesn't it?" Honestly, all this woman…entity…thing does is smirk. It's terribly demeaning.  
"So, I want you to go to sleep now. You've got several big days ahead of you. And it's not like you don't know the scene word for word anyway…"

And then she disappeared. And I feel asleep…

_Middle Earth fades to black. OGreatRandom appears out of the abyss, looking very cross. _"How could you leave a plot hole like that?" _she shrieks at the cowering Enigmagirl2727 (who coincidentally now deeply regrets tacking the numbers to the end of her name, they just look silly)._ "What kind of a lame excuse is that?""But-but-but… you kept threatening to kill me if I didn't post soon! I'm on page 78 of the LOTR fanfiction!" _The Random One glares. _"NOT AT THE COST OF QUALITY!1" _She takes a moment to look back on what she has just yelled at her friend and is bewildered by the_ '1'. _Enigmagirl2727 quickly realizes what is going on and that she is in far more trouble than she thought she was. _"The vortex is collapsing because of the sheer bad ficcy-ness of it all. You'd better leave soon or you'll be trapped; I've got to find some way to fix this mini-monster that I've created. Are you sure you want me to finish this? _OGreatRandom nods solemnly. _"You can always go back and fix this horrific chapter later." _Finally understanding that she simply must finish what she started, no matter what the cost, Enigmagirl2727 agrees. Both fanfiction writers exit the void and return their focus to their respective stories. We shall now return to Rivendell to find Kiera opening her eyes looking perplexed, but let's not forget to learn of the tales of Maggie and OGR's other characters…_

Mmmh that was a nice nap. But now, where am I? Oh yeah, Middle Earth.

…Damn. That witch made me sleep through the Counsel! But I can't deny that I needed the rest. I hadn't realized just how bad that impending headache was going to be. The beauty of the gardens is still breathtaking, but a little less visible under the twilight. Minya (the elvish maid for those of you with short memories) is standing a brief distance away, looking bored. When she sees that I've come to and am now struggling to my feet, she rolls her eyes and walked away. I can only guess that she wants me to follow her. I did, and she led me back to the room I'd first, ah, materialized in. Without a word she and

Linte begin to 'make me presentable' as Linte says by way of an explanation for why she's pulling my now-soiled dress off me. Pity, that. I'd only just been getting to like it. Apparently Elrond had arranged for me to meet with the fellowship several hours after the counsel so he could clarify why I'd be sullenly stalking them as they went about their quest. My sense of what should have already happened/what was yet to take place/what was occurring at the moment was off, so I wasn't sure where this little get together was taking place on the timeline. When the lady-in-waiting-like women were done with me Minya led me to a secluded area of the garden where eleven people I knew very well were waiting for me. The fellowship, Elrond …and the first Mary Sue. She the complete stereotype: Blonde hair to her ankles, big sparkly eyes that were usually blue but changed colors to reflect her mood, pointed ears indicating her Elf-ness, and hanging all over Legolas. The Elvish prince in question looked somewhat hypnotized while everyone else stared at the pair of them in horror. I walked up to them and tapped her on the shoulder. "Excuse me, who are you?" Smiling brilliantly she replied, "I am Lady Mariah Leila Francesca Pale-Rose, heir to the throne of-" I'd heard enough. Thinking fast I whispered in her ear with false earnestness, "You are the one I was sent to find! Come with me for just a moment…" Pulling her away with me behind one of the taller ornate shrubs, hence, out of view of the fellowship, I took a deep breathe and with one swipe of my dagger decapitated her. She vanished in a poof of pink smoke. POOF. Did I just, uh, kill her?

The instant that occurred all of the canon characters blinked and snapped out of the daze Mariah had put them in. Legolas started to curse (or what I could only assume to be curses as they were in Elvish) softly, but for the most part they were all just very confused. Elrond shook his head as though to clear his thoughts and then said, "That is the evil I was telling you of-" I stepped out from behind the bushes, "And this is Lady Kiera, sent to us by the Presence to keep it at bay." Hmm, that makes me sound like some kind of savior. Sort of creepy. "Er yes, thank you Lord Elrond. I'll take it from here." With a bow he swept out of the garden. I turned to address the fellowship when- "_Great job there! That's the way it's to be done, just kill 'em without missing a beat. For the obvious ones that is. For the ones you aren't sure about, well, let's just cross that bridge when we come to it, shall we?_"-Enigma whispered into my mind, then disappeared. That was going to get very annoying if she kept it up.

"Alright. Like he said, I'm Kiera, no need to bother with that 'Lady' nonsense. I know who you all are; I know what you're doing. Don't look at me all shocked like that. Those…girls," I pointed towards the lingering remains of the pink smoke. "Are going to be following you. I'm going to keep them away." They didn't seem to be buying it. Oh well. "I can't exactly tell you why they're here, it's too complex. I'm sorry I can't explain this any better but… Anyway you don't need to worry about me. I'm not part of your company, just following you. At a distance. We shouldn't talk much. Right. 'kay well I'm going to go now, so…" God this was awkward. With that interesting sentiment I turned and fled. Let them think of me what they would, with any luck I wouldn't have to deal with them much anyway. Not that I didn't want to of course, that's every fangirl's dream, but I didn't want to mess up canon any more than it already way. This was going to be rather difficult…

(1) Which mean Swift and First, thank you Angela (OGreatRandom) for the translations ☺

Special Author's Edit: Enigma's POV Continued: After a little more explaining and some ahem verbal equivalent banging in the head with a rock, I think I've gotten through to her. Except she was smart enough to ask for stuff. Not that I didn't think of that, I was just going to wait for a little. It'd be kinda fun to pluck her out of the middle of some battle and be like "This is how you use a Bo staff!"

HELP/Author's Note: Okay. First of all, thank you for reading thus far; it was very nice of you. (Much thanks to Ruth for her review!) Secondly…this started out as a rather light hearted Sue-slayer fic. I've since reconsidered and found a rather more serious and even boarder-line-dark direction in which this could move, though it'd be difficult given the premise. OR I could make this as light as I'm able to and have a dark sequel. OR both…Feedback on this issue as well as responses in general would be hugely appreciated. Also, I've renamed Gabriella. She's Kiera now. Gabriella was really just an interim name while I though up something better. However don't forget the name entirely, I see someone of some importance popping up with it soon… exits on that mysterious note comes back to mention that anyone who can tell her what 'Enigma' (or a similar term, such as mystery or puzzle) is in Elvish will receive a fantastic award, such as having a chapter dedicated to them or some such simply wondrous thing…


End file.
